Invading Iran: Pistachios or Helium

Back in 1983, my dad took a phone call from his friend Dan who called with an interesting piece of information. This happened to be October of ’83 just after the invasion of Grenada on Ronald Reagan’s orders. Dan called to tell my dad that he had been trying to figure out why the heck the US was invading a small island when he stumbled across what he considered to be the only possible justification: secure access to Grenada’s nutmeg.

All of a sudden, it made sense. How is one supposed to make a decent pumpkin pie without nutmeg? Imagine how different life in the USA would be today if it wasn’t for Operation Urgent Fury.

Flash forward to today. We’ve started and are now bogged down in two wars with countries that did not attack us. But that doesn’t seem to be slowing down plans by the Bush administration to invade a third country that didn’t attack us.

Since a war with Iran makes no sense using Bush’s typical 9/11 fear mongering, I’ve been using Dan’s strategy of trying to get to the root justification of a war with Iran.

(By the way, some cynics would have you believe that out choice to invade Iraq rather than nuke-toting North Korea has something to do with the ocean of oil Iraq happens to sit on.)

I’ve stumbled across two recent nuggets of information about Iran that could potentially be the real justifications for an invasion that will surely lead to people being melted in their own homes. Oil? Too obvious.

1. Helium

2. Pistachios

1. Helium: It turns out that Iran is sitting on a ton of Helium. It’s not extracted directly, but it a byproduct of natural gas extraction, and Iran sits on a LOT of natural gas. While we obviously need that to fill balloons at the Republican National Convention next year, it’s also used in MRIs and has other industrial uses. Who knows what Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s plans are for all that helium? Better to invade first, ask questions later. Plus, we’ll be able to pay for the war out of helium revenues, right?

2. Pistachios: On top of that is the pistachio situation. The Moderate Voice pointed me to an article that shows the United State’s Middle East ally, Israel, has been aiding and abetting terrorists by eating their nuts:

[US Undersecretary of Agriculture Mark] Keenum told [Israeli Agriculture Minister Shalom] Simhon that it was absurd that Israel was purchasing most of its pistachio nuts from an enemy state. According to the undersecretary, Washington was extremely troubled by this, as US pistachio growers have protested the fact that America’s friend favors Iranian pistachio nuts over American ones.

Simhon, who was surprised by the information, promised to act immediately to halt the import of the forbidden pistachio nuts. “Israel is not interested in helping Iran’s economy,” he said.

Iran is the world’s biggest exporter of pistachio nuts, while Israel is the world’s biggest importer of pistachio.

Love ’em or hate ’em, it sounds like Iran has some great nuts. Clearly, we’d be nuts NOT to invade Iran, thus freeing Iran’s nuts for nut lovers around the world. Until this happens, stick to freedom nuts from California.

One thought on “Invading Iran: Pistachios or Helium”

  1. You also didn’t mention that Iran is the largest producer of Saffron in the world. Where would the delicious saffron rice at Holy Land be without it?

    While Pistachios and Helium are good reasons to invade Iran, they both pale in comparison to the importance of saffron.

    Sean | They call me mellow yellow.

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