Minneapolis MLS Stadium Location: The Stripper Perspective

Word on the street is that Major League Soccer wants to enter the Twin Cities sports market with an expansion team.

Some analysis has been done in the past showing that the Twin Cities are already over-saturated with pro sports entertainment options while attempting to support an NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL team, but that doesn’t really matter because it’s a private business using private money to take private risks. Right? Right?

While mainstream media companies tend to talk about the success the only bar near the Hennepin County Medical Center, Hubert’s, when discussing the economic impact of sports, I contracted with an anonymous reporter to take the temperature of a different ancillary industry: strippers. Here’s what she found out (all names were changed to protect the identities of the strippers*):


Are you busier on game nights?

Merlot (Dreamgirls) [Other job: Cashier]: Totally. You can tell when Twins games must have ended. Or, maybe it’s just a because it’s boring game or their losing again? Either way, it fills up with guys in Twins stuff on game nights.

Which sport has the best fans?

Meredith (Seville) [Other job: Part time pre-med]: It depends what you mean by best. If you mean most respectful of the dancers, Twins fans. They bring a subdued attitude and appreciate what we do for them. If you mean people ready to party, then it’s Twolves fans. They’re up for partying to forget.

What are Vikings fans like?

Amber (Rick’s) [Other job: Sophomore, Elementary Ed.]: First, there’s the Saturday night crowd. They tend to be from the Dakotas and are really grabby. It’s like they’ve never seen a tit other than their mom’s before. They show up drunk, don’t tip well, and hardly ever offer to buy me a drink. A lot of them get kicked out.

Then there’s Sundays. It takes guys a bit to get adjusted since they’re stepping inside from the daylight. There are some big spenders. Especially guys in town on business trips. But, there are also ridiculously drunk tailgaters who can barely walk. I kind of feel sad giving lap dances to guys in AP jerseys with whiskey dicks, but if you knew what I owed in student loans it would make sense.

What are Wild fans like?

Elsa (Lamplighter Lounge) [Other job: Taco Bell Drive Thru]: We don’t see a lot of Wild fans in here, but we’re not exactly downtown St Paul. But, maybe they have brain damage or something?

What do you think of the Twin Cities getting an MLS team?

Victoria (Deja Vu) [Other job: craft brewer]: I think soccer players are hot. They have awesome abs and are in really good shape. I’d love it if they came in here.

There is speculation that a soccer stadium may be built near the Twins stadium. How would that effect your career?

Dominique (Downtown Cabaret) [Other job: Uber driver]: How many games do they play?

34, not including playoffs, so 17 home games.

Dominique: That’s like three times the Vikings.

Closer to 2 times.

Dominique: Still. How many do the other teams play?

The Twins play 81 home games and the Timberwolves play 41, not counting pre-season and . . . playoff games.

Dominique: You know, I been thinking about getting closer to the warehouse district for some time now. There’s something going on over there like half the year.

It’s closer to a third.

Dominique: Still, that’s way better than eight weekends with the Vikings plus the Monster Truck show.


While it may be too early to have a strong opinion about this, it sounds like this particular ancillary industry favors clustering sports venues on the entertainment district side of downtown.

* The questions, other jobs, and answers were made up too.

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